I have now reached 24. Today is my 24th birthday and despite how genuinely happy and content I am with my life when I woke up this morning I definitely felt something else. For the past couple of days I've been fighting a nasty cold and haven't really seen much of an improvement. This is just one reason why I'm slightly hesitant about today. I have to be honest, due to my childhood and my mother's half-assed attempts at being a Jehovah's Witness for several years, birthdays were forbidden and always sour... much like all the other occasions and holidays that I wanted to celebrate like all my friends and classmates. That's right. Their definition as to why celebrations were forbidden always dictated the day and the apprehension and disappointment always made it true. Family fights, feelings of disappointment and being unloved, and the pure disaster of the day meant I never had anything to look forward to. As I became older this of course gradually changed and my mother became a born-again Christian. Suffice to say though that a comprehensive 15+ years of memories still sting and burn my skin each year that I celebrate a birthday. Maybe this year has been the only year that I've been honest about it. While I have no problems whatsoever being part of or celebrating any other person's birthday, the idea of accepting celebrating something for myself without doubt is just impossible at this time.
Last night when Ørjan and I were turning down to bed he tried kissing me and wishing me a happy birthday but I just turned my head as if I was not interested in his affection. He knows how I feel about my birthday but it was still no excuse for being so cold. I've been awake for a couple of hours (maybe due to my cold, but probably due to my apprehension) thinking about what this day could be. In all actuality the weather has improved (VG sier at vi sku ha fint vær denne helgen) and I can see the sun breaking through the clouds over the mountain, I have a wonderful family to celebrate it with, and I don't have to deal with the pressures of other family members or throwing a birthday party. I was slightly pressured by my mother-in-law to do something but come on! Ørjan and I wanted to do something more private this year (his 34th birthday is in two days) for our birthdays and don't feel as if we need something elaborate. It's not exactly an "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" situation but rather a step in the right direction of actually taking control and power over a day that belongs to us and no one else.
I did make myself a promise though - At least one glass of wine. I have only had one glass of wine since June 2006 and today so we shall see how this goes down. Literally. I'm still breastfeeding Sophie exclusively but I don't think one glass of wine before bed will do too much harm. I hope. I've never had to pump and she's never had a bottle so she'll just have to forgive me if she doesn't like her midnight meal.
So in a nutshell, that's how I physically feel about today and my birthdays in general. Of course it's still early (not even 7am) and the day could totally pull me into another surprising direction, but I find it very unlikely. At 24 I am extremely happy, but celebrating my 24th birthday is an entirely different matter in my universe.
Last night when Ørjan and I were turning down to bed he tried kissing me and wishing me a happy birthday but I just turned my head as if I was not interested in his affection. He knows how I feel about my birthday but it was still no excuse for being so cold. I've been awake for a couple of hours (maybe due to my cold, but probably due to my apprehension) thinking about what this day could be. In all actuality the weather has improved (VG sier at vi sku ha fint vær denne helgen) and I can see the sun breaking through the clouds over the mountain, I have a wonderful family to celebrate it with, and I don't have to deal with the pressures of other family members or throwing a birthday party. I was slightly pressured by my mother-in-law to do something but come on! Ørjan and I wanted to do something more private this year (his 34th birthday is in two days) for our birthdays and don't feel as if we need something elaborate. It's not exactly an "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" situation but rather a step in the right direction of actually taking control and power over a day that belongs to us and no one else.
I did make myself a promise though - At least one glass of wine. I have only had one glass of wine since June 2006 and today so we shall see how this goes down. Literally. I'm still breastfeeding Sophie exclusively but I don't think one glass of wine before bed will do too much harm. I hope. I've never had to pump and she's never had a bottle so she'll just have to forgive me if she doesn't like her midnight meal.
So in a nutshell, that's how I physically feel about today and my birthdays in general. Of course it's still early (not even 7am) and the day could totally pull me into another surprising direction, but I find it very unlikely. At 24 I am extremely happy, but celebrating my 24th birthday is an entirely different matter in my universe.
2 comments:
well, happy birthday, despite the negative memories. it's a good day, celebrate! (but in your own private way)
sophie should be okay with the wine. i had a glass every now and then when i was breastfeeding xander (okay, maybe one the entire time), and he was okay. so she should be fine.
Thanks again :)
And I actually didn't have a glass of wine since it would have only been me breaking open a bottle. Instead I plucked up the courage and did a double shot of Cointreau! It was strange because I couldn't taste a thing due to my cold, but seconds later there was definitely a burn! Sophie was fine and slept a few extra hours :P
Post a Comment